Change is Possible.

I don't often share my story, because it's not what I lead with. What I lead with is my knowledge, expertise, and testimonials--I'm here to focus on you! But, I recognize that I am the coach I am, because of my story.

Growing up, I felt a lot of pressure and focus on my appearance. I grew up around professional athletes, and was an athlete myself. My dad worked for the NBA for the entirety of my childhood, and I am so grateful for the exposure that gave me to elite athletes--but that is only part of the story.

As I mentioned, I was an athlete, as well. I dedicated my youth to gymnastics, training with and at a former Olympian and Ute Gymnast's gym, Missy Marlowe, with the goal of a potential future at the Olympics, or a college scholarship as a Ute gymnast. As a kid I didn't have the emotional tools to understand that when I wasn't picked, it wasn't because I wasn't good--it's because I was in a highly competitive atmosphere, and ALL of the athletes were deserving. Instead, I internalized that I wasn't good enough, fundamentally. I mean, I trained hard, never missed practice, sacrificed outings with friends, and dedicated all of my time outside of school to gymnastics. I'd given it my all. That self-doubt translated directly to my body--an easy target. I figured, there had to have been something wrong with how I looked, because I didn't get the scholarship, or the olympic bid.

For the next decade I tried to starve myself into being good enough. Everything that happened in life, good or bad, I felt was a consequence of how thin I was in that moment. I won't go into details, because that is not nessisary. What is nessisary is to give credit to the wonderful support and resources I was able to access when my life was in critical danger.

Recovery was much harder than active eating disorder life was. Recovery required me to be uncomfortable--mentally, physically, and emotionally. There were lots of relapses, lapses, and deep seated doubt that I'd ever be fully recovered--what did that even look like? I'd never eaten "normally" or had a normal relationship with food or exercise, ever. I don't say that with hyperbole--I don't think I'd ever just moved my body for the joy of it. Of course, I found SO much joy in my pursuits, but it wasn't ultimately why I was pursing gymnastics or any other skill I found myself picking up to fill the void. I certainly didn't have a balanced relationship with food, mostly due to cultural influence and the pressure to be thin.

So, how did I get to where I am now? Fully recovered and more sure of my path in life than ever before.

PRACTICE. I think if one word can sum up how I got here, it's practice. I was very lucky to have a team around me of therapists, doctors, family, and friends to model to me what it looked like to create boundaries, endure discomfort without taking action, and reflect on what was really causing me to harm my health. Of course there is a lot of therapy and unpacking some hard life stuff to credit my recovery too as well, but all if it is couched in practice.

Do your daily practices reflect how you feel about yourself? I know eating disorders are a much deeper subject than just a "bad" habit or practice, but outside of the time that I was critically ill, I think if I'd have posed this questions to myself, I'd have realized very quickly that my actions didn't support what I said I valued: my health.

I didn't decide one day that I didn't need or want to be thin anymore, I decided that if I valued my health, I had to practice what that meant to me. On hard days, that was minute by minute. On easier days, it felt like home.

I'm ten years into recovery, and I still remind myself every morning that this is a practice. I believe in my worth now, and it wouldn't be so easy to sway me back to my old ways, but that doesn't mean that I don't still have those thoughts. I think it's healthy this far into recovery to be able to acknowledge that when my stress gets high, and life is hard, my default is to want to diet--to have control and to "fix" it. But I don't. Because I know the path that leads down, and I know it's not reflective of how I actually address problems in my life. I let those feelings and thoughts come and go, take a deep breath, and reset my intention.

This is my practice.

While I am NOT an eating disorder therapist or specialist (and if that is something you're dealing with in life, I support you getting a higher level of care), I deeply understand what it takes to change your life. To change your mindset. To dig deep, and keep digging.

Thank you for letting me share. I hope this helps you show up authentically in life--we are the sum of our past, but that doesn't dictate our future. You get to decide what your daily practices are, and how they impact your well-being!